Cannon Fodder

Special Report: Black Market for Organs Flourishes

Cannons. Every day we hear them blasting adventurers to far reaches of Valorn, but recently there seems to be an excessive influx of adventurers trying to shoot themselves to remote locations. They're lined up from Caernivale's main platform all the way to Jensen.

The wizened old man said recently, "All those adventurers want to use my services, but I never even get a quick thanks in return! I am a volunteer since the beginning, never asked a silver for the ride." And, then he continued to ramble on about the skyrocketing prices of black powder and walking up hills in the snow both ways back in his day.

However, despite their popularity, the cannons have become increasingly volatile. As adventurers are ripped apart by dangerous, spooky science things, wild beasts are free to feast on their bodies.

Further research into the dilemma has yielded a startling discovery of a lucrative illegal trade market. In secret backrooms and dark alleys a black market for organs has spawned from the current ease with which one can swipe loose body parts from cannon victims before they're bagged up and Cory restores their souls.

It is rumored that clerics don't heal, but use body parts sold to them by merchants to cure the sick and injured. Is that why T'yandra prefers to work on the battlefield? No clerics would comment on the allegations.

Meanwhile, there are numerous reports to the Dundee Constables of missing body parts. Lady Sylent One, loquacious cannon jumper– who happens to be looking for a new partner to intermingle body parts with via a couple's cannon ride– noted her knee has been missing ever since her last ride. Furthermore, Fleur comments that Malak took her heart after a cannon fallout and insists for that reason she should be allowed to watch him sleep.

~ Thorin & Cerberus

Laziness and Inns: Correlation?

In the most recent studies conducted by the Valornian Humane Society, VHS, the Adventurer Laziness Quotient was up by 27 percent. When we asked what could have possibly caused such a drastic leap, they produced the Theory of Adventurer Relativity.

The VHS speculates that L = AI². So laziness is equal to adventurers times the number of Inns squared. To further prove this theory, the Shrouded Sun watched as Korrith entered Dundee, which has a total of two Inns. It immediately became noticeable as Korrith stumbled about searching for something and muttering, "Ungh....need..eat brains...Inn!" He immediately latched onto Jake Randomzero, spreading the will to eat brains and find an Inn to sit at.

Having spread his powerful influence to Jake, the two proceeded to force their willpower upon innocent bystanders. Poor Tyral has yet to move since the incident. Others infected are Fleur and Cyno, so beware should you contact this rare disease.

A few symptoms of Inn Zombification are as follows: 1) Lack of will to train. 2) Noticeable decline in appetite, except for brains. 3) Cobweb growth and dust accumulation. 4) Denial of symptoms. These have been diagnosed from constant observers, who also demonstrate some of these symptoms.

If anyone you know, who has been found to display these symptoms, be warned, they will deny it. If they persist, keep a watchful eye on their brain intake and be prepared to force them out of the Inn, should worse come to worse. This reporter vows to stand perpetual guard loitering in the Inn to help identify other inflected souls.

~ Ixon Fier

Would you like E. coli with That?

Not on my watch announces The Noble Fleur, the new Chief Health Inspector for Valorn while boasting, "I have a certificate in food hygiene."

Local restauranteurs have cause for concern, until now food service has gone unchecked in all cities, towns, and small off the path specialty stores. One local business seems to be ahead of the game. Wil the Grillkeeper at Cerbie's Grill assures, "We sanitize all our poultry with a special bleach before we cook it."

~ Cerberus

Bedlam in the Bathrooms

We all know the horrors of the Dundee bathroom, but how grotesque does this depressing pursuit at hygiene go?

"I was only trying to chase someone in there after they picked a fight!" claims alleged peeping tom, Jake Randomzero. He's not alone in his desire to look in on Valorn's lady adventures in their mysterious shrine.

Many other adventurers have been spotted creeping into the women's bathroom, such as Xanthias, Sam, and Eldrin Ivanshine. Eldrin and Sam denied these accusations, while Xanthias proudly stated that it was perfectly healthy.

It has been said High King Deek the Powerful has been caught attempting to sneak in the women's room. When confronted his Majesty proclaimed, "Several adventurers reported problems with the security at the bathrooms, and I was proving that it was still working for myself." Why he decided to do so by entering the lady's room is unknown.

It's important to realize how incompetent the bathroom attendants are. Zanaan, a male Valornian was let into the women's restroom while denied access to the men's room. Perhaps Zanaan is feminine looking, or maybe the attendants are blind.

Many Valornian women can't get into EITHER bathroom. "We do not serve the gender less!" claims a deranged restroom attendant.

~ Eldrin