Life Seems to Stand Still in Valorn

Zombies Return to the Streets

Inn Zombification is in sharp decline since the Shrouded Sun last reported on the epidemic; local Innkeepers weep from loss of business.

Confused and uncertain of what to do outside the Inns, the Inn Zombies stagger about for a bit before finally recalling how to grasp a sword. Once they achieve that, they boldly dash into the wilderness to be slain and reformed at an Inn.

But, why have the Zombies returned to the street?

Perhaps the warnings in the Shrouded Sun were taken seriously– an unprecedented event– and locals managed to beat and drag most of the Inn Zombies out leaving a trail of dust and cobwebs in their wake.

More likely, recovering Inn Zombie and Health Inspector, Fleur, reported a safety issue as the Dundee Inn was overwhelmed with indolent initiates and violated the building's maximum capacity. Could this nark be vying for the job of Fire Chief as well?

However, despite some success stories, not all Inn Zombies have reverted to their normal state. Jake Randomzero and Korrith can still be seen collecting dust and most often snoring in the Dundee Inn, to the obvious annoyance of Jeffrey.

~ Ixon Fier

Drawing a Line in the Sand

A visit to any of Valorn's coastal or desert towns finds adventurers sliding from one merchant to the next, furtively scratching under their armor. What wonders are these intrepid adventurers searching so avidly for? Not platinum, not weapons, nor jewels. The hot sellers of the day are a hot bath and sand removal spells.

With all the current traveling of adventurers, a crisis is unfolding. The sand is getting displaced. The bedrock of Valorn is being exposed. Sandstorms have given way to gentle puffs of fine dust.

Blessed Cory and Mighty Ben are finding it increasingly difficult to stride into the sunset leaving godly prints in the sand.

More than one Demon Raid has been sparked by an irate Balthazar who has stubbed his toe on an unexpected rock whilst strolling down the beach.

To preserve the sanctity of our land and relieve the wrath of the gods and demon lords, please, follow the rules posted at the entrance to the deserts and beaches:

"Have fun, do not feed the demons, take your trash home with you, and leave the sand where you found it."

~ Alpha Betsoup

Quick like a Tortoise

Life became painstakingly slow today, as all adventurers decelerated to a few steps per marc. Even the ever-quick nobles tip-toed along with an uncharacteristically slow stride, often claiming, "I'm just pacing myself!"

It is wondered if the Gods were toying with us, having a good laugh watching everyone attempt to adventure in slow motion! Would they truly be so cruel (let us put aside Cory's well-known escapades of exploding adventurers for the pure sake of his amusement)? Well... yes.

Needless to say, the paranoia and questions run rampant.

The sight of snail'esque passers by prompted one adventurer to exclaim: "I've seen Lyndhen loaf around quicker than that."

~ Danica Angelus

Un Arôme de Fleur

Jimmy Kitten's Lindin: Portrat of a Beest Slayr combines cubist roots with an original pop art edge. Visually bold, juxtaposing a striking use of primary and secondary colours, the dominant tensions in the composition are evident.

The 'fatti lumps' are beautifully detailed, and the sense of motion in the newly-slain beast is exquisite though somewhat less than fearsome. Considering the subject's recent slothfulness, perhaps the imagination of this up and coming artist could not stretch further. Well worth a glance.

~Fleur

Ask Balthazar

Dear Balthazar,

As an ardent admirer of yours, I was wondering... how can I be as deliciously evil as yourself?

~ Aspiring-Evil-Peon

Dear Fanboy,

*blushing* Oh, you flatter me.

Many try to emulate, but none can recreate: Da B is a one of a kind besides you're doomed.

~ Da B

Dear Balthazar,

I met a female rogue, and have fallen head over heels in love with her. Trouble is, she doesn't know it. I want to know how I should tell her. Any ideas?

~ Secret Initiate

Dear Pretty in Pink,

You should just stalk her from a far and never attempt to initiate conversation or even go anywhere near her, so you can feel a lifetime of regret and anguish once she finds the true man of her dreams. Don't feel bad though, she probably has cooties anyways.

~ Da B